Give and Take
by NevarDevereaux
Summary: This is a just a oneshot about giving everything and what you get in return.  There is cursing.  Not violent or graphic in any way.  If angst and sorrow are offensive, then this isn't for you.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Dean or anything that was created and used in Supernatural. All characters I create, I own. Don't sue. I have nothing.**

This is a rambling oneshot as told from the tormented soul and heart, which is the beautiful Dean.

6/25/2007

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I give. I give all of me. They take what they need and move on. I would lay my life down to save them and never hesitate the movement. I would never regret doing it. If my taking my last breath meant they would have just one more, I know it is the right thing.

Mom. She died when I was so little. I looked like her. I had her flaxen hair and gentle green eyes. I am older and my hair is darker, but my eyes have never changed. I look in the mirror and see a part of her with me. I would never admit it, but it makes me smile.

She was beautiful, but her actions made me angelic. She would hold me. She would play with me and tell me never to fear because angels were watching over me. She knew how to make everything feel better.

Where were the angels when that son of a bitch walked through our house? He came in and killed my Mom. Then, to twist the knife, he burned her. I was only four, but I know there was something I could have done. Maybe if I had just sneaked into his nursery to look at him and tell him how much I liked having a little brother, it would have been me. She would still be alive and Sammy would know her.

Dad handed Sammy to me and I ran out the front door with him. I held on tightly. Nothing was going to get him.

When we went back to Lawrence and ran out that fucking poltergeist, Mom walked right by me. She went to Sammy and said she was sorry. I was the one who almost cried when I saw her. Not much can make me speechless, but my mother was standing there. She wasn't sorry for leaving me? I loved her, too. I kinda understand. I can take care of myself. I don't need anyone.

Sammy. I love my brother. Love is an understatement. When he was born, I was so happy. I had been nagging for a brother or sister. I got bored and wanted someone I could hang out with and get into trouble with. Yea, I was a handful, even back then.

When that chubby little dude was laid in his crib, I told him that I would always be around for him. I didn't know that I would be his saviour for eternity. Don't think I am mad. I ain't. No one is going to fuck with Sammy as long as I am around to stop them.

When I went to him at Stanford to get him to go look for Dad, I couldn't hide the excitement of seeing my brother. Even though I ws smirking, it was my sad attempt at seeing his shaggy hair and lanky limbs again. Does he ever get a damn haircut?

When I dropped him off after the woman in white tried to make him her next bashed male, I drove off, but turned around. I was sitting in the car trying to get up the nerve to go in and tell him I missed him and tell him to at least call me sometimes. When I heard the screams and saw the smoke, I knew he had lost another woman close to him.

When I ran in and dragged him out of the burning apartment, he never saw the tears. I wish I could have taken Jess's place so he would be happy, but I fucked up and was too late.

I always thought he would know how much he meant to me. When he shot me in that loony bin, the rock salt hurt a lot less than the fact he fucking shot me. He hates me so much he could shoot me? Then, he gets possessed. He ties Jo up, but shoots me? What the fuck have I done to him? I know he didn't mean it. He just, you know, wasn't him.

When he got older, him and Dad fought all the time. I had to break it up. When Sammy took off for college, Dad wasn't happy. He turned his back on the family. I was the one who told Dad to let him be. I didn't mind not having a chance to go to school or anything. I am not smart like Sammy anyway.

I am the reason Dad is gone. I let him go alone into that trap with Meg, that evil bitch. He thought my life was worth his. He should have just let me go and him and Sam could have moved on together. I have to live knowing that I sent him to hell. I am not worth it. That is all I have to say on that.

Cassie...Yep, that is why I believe in love 'em and leave 'em. If you open up to a woman, they will scrape your guts out and stomp on them. But, when she needed help, she knew how to call me. Not many people understood how we ended up together anyway. Simple. She was hot and I was horny. I don't discriminate. Hot comes in many flavors. She was one of those fake good girls who wanted a bad boy. I happily obliged. I turned on the charm, gave her the old Dean smile, and down dropped her panties.

I didn't plan on actually liking her. She was fragile, smart, and had curly hair. No, it had nothing to do with she reminded me of Sammy in many ways. We were laying in bed and I told her what I did. She told me I was a psycho, threw me out, and told me to get lost. I did. She was just shocked is all. I understand.

If I could have anything in this world, I would like to see everyone I have ever cared for happy. It seems like all the shit they went through links back to me. Maybe if I had never been born...

Missouri is holding Dean's hand. Sam has gone for coffee. Dean was on his way to pick up some food and never saw the car run the red light. It was touch and go, but she knew deep down this stubborn ass boy wouldgo through whatever to come back.

She hoped Dean knew that she and Sam were there with him, pulling for him. Sam had been walking around in a daze, mumbling," You can't leave me. I need you. Dean, don't leave me."

When she had hugged Sam, she felt the despair and the remorse he felt for having been such an arrogant spoiled brat. He resented Dean, ignored Dean, but loved him more than anything.

Missouri did not understand why they were the only ones who could not see how much they loved each other. The fights, the running away, the violent outburst, just all the emotions these two pigheaded fools refused to share. Dean, cocky and smirky and Sam, pouty and brooding. She would love to turn them over her knee and beat some sense into them.

As Dean's thoughts flowed into her consciousness, she wished but one thing for Dean: He find someone who would love and protect him as fiercely as he loved and protected those around him. Maybe, he could even learn to love himself.

"Dean, honey, if you don't come back here, I will hit you with a spoon," she whispered.

She swore she saw the corners of his mouth every so slightly pull into a smile.


End file.
